


Speeding Up

by Canon_Is_Relative



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship, Holodecks/Holosuites, Humor, In-Universe RPF, M/M, Ship Wars, in-universe fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-25 00:27:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4939693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Canon_Is_Relative/pseuds/Canon_Is_Relative
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that Bones knows people write fanfiction about him and Jim he's kind of obsessed with their stats, and Jim has a new hobby.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Speeding Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thalialunacy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thalialunacy/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Downshift](https://archiveofourown.org/works/285055) by [thalialunacy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thalialunacy/pseuds/thalialunacy). 



> This is a sort-of sequel to [Meet Me Halfway](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2889440), "The one where Bones finds out RPF is a thing." The story Bones is bitching about at the beginning is [mine](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1266289/chapters/2614378), the quoted text Jim reads is from Thalia's [Downshift](http://archiveofourown.org/works/285055) (and so is the title). Happy super-late birthday (again) ♥ ♥ ♥

Jim hears Bones swear followed by the very distinctive sound of a PADD hitting the floor. Jim sticks his head out from the bathroom in time to watch Bones’s shoulders go into a full-on Hunch of Grumpiness as he stalks over the the cabinet to pour a drink. Jim spits into the sink, rinses his mouth, and brings his minty-fresh self out to fix whatever’s ailing his doctor.  
  
“This is ridiculous,” Bones grumbles, shrugging half-heartedly when Jim comes up behind him and props his chin on his shoulder.  
  
“The fact that it’s 2200 and you’re still wearing clothes?” Jim hums, slips his hands up under the doctor’s regulation tunic. “I agree.”  
  
Bones detaches himself, tips another splash of whiskey into his glass and collapses back onto the couch, nudging at the PADD with his boot. “Have you checked our stats lately?”  
  
Jim ducks down, ostensibly to swipe the tablet off the floor but actually because he’s fighting so hard to keep from laughing he thinks he’s gonna pull a muscle in his face or his gut or both. Bones cannot let this  _go_  and it’s the funniest goddamn thing ever. But the second Bones thinks Jim’s laughing at him over it, that’s the game, and Jim will lose his best source of free entertainment.  
  
“So you finally finished that story.”  
  
Bones grunts.  
  
Jim grins. “So you got to the part where I —“  
  
“Where you wake me up at dawn, steal my breakfast, and then blow me. Yes.”  
  
Jim laughs out loud, scrolling through the porny bits to find his favorite line, and reads aloud, “’If that's not at least the second best blowjob you've ever had, I'm going to be very surprised. And ask for his number.’ Hey, we should act this one out.”  
  
“You see? This is what I mean, this is ridiculous. You go and do…that…and then I’m all, ‘I need coffee and a shower and don’t you dare try to join me in that shower, Jim-boy.’ Why does your crew seem to think I’m eighty years old and talk like a hick?”  
  
Jim shrugs. “You saying I should be bothered that my crew thinks I’m a hyperactive puppy dog with the refractory period of a teenager? Don’t worry about it.”  
  
“Don’t  _worry_ —?“ Bones splutters into his refill, and Jim aims another grin down at the screen, thinking that, like this? His Bones is a dead ringer for the popular grumpy, old-before-his-time yet-still-so-lovable Bones that the fanboys and girls of the galaxy can't seem to get enough of.  
  
“Yeah, don’t worry about it. Check this out.” Jim flips over to the stats page where he calls up the chart he’d made last night, and hands it back to Bones.  
  
Spock and Uhura are still pulling in the most stories and readers, but he and Bones have edged their way to a close second, turning their slice of the pie chart into something more respectably resembling their just desserts. There are plenty of stories being written about him and Spock, of course, but Jim discounts those when looking at the big picture because  _that’s_ just ridiculous. He gets it, though. He and Spock — they’re a novelty, a study in contrast. And they do have chemistry, Jim supposes they’d have to to run this ship like the well-oiled machine she is. But when it comes to this couples popularity contest, Jim only counts the possibles.  
  
Speaking of which, Jim wraps his arm around McCoy’s shoulders to peer down at the chart when he notices that Chekov and Sulu have slid into a tidy third place by hit count.  _Finally._  Jim’s been trying to nudge them — the real them — in that direction for, like, weeks. The kid is well past his eighteenth by now for god’s sake, but Sulu, bless his heart, is more oblivious than Bones ever was.  
  
“See,” Jim says, pointing, we’re totally set to overtake them before the end of the five year mission. Bet you a bottle of Saurian brandy.”  
  
“Yeah,” Bones says, gloomy as goddamn raincloud, and clicks a link. “That’s only ‘cause this new hotshot with a stupid name posted a bunch of stories last night. I mean come on, OnceAndFutureCaptain? What kind of a handle is that?”  
  
Jim just smiles, and scrolls down until he finds a promising summary.  _The one with the Holodeck and the car and the wet!Bones._  He asks, “Have you read any of them? This one's good.”  
  
“I don’t need to read about myself getting wet, thanks,” Bones says, pushing the tablet away.  
  
“Well  _I_  find it to be a highly fascinating topic. Move over.” Jim whumps down on the couch beside him, propping his feet in Bones’s lap, and starts reading.  
  
_It takes Jim about three days of Captaincy to get enough time to try out the Holodeck._  
  
_It takes Jim about three days and four hours to get Bones in there with him._  
  
_And it takes Jim exactly three years, two hours, and five minutes to get Bones to have sex in there with him._  
  
_Not that he's counting._  
  
_Except he totally is._  
  
Which is as he gets before Bones interrupts, muttering, “Oh, come  _on._ ”  
  
“Problem, old man?” Jim smirks at him, and goes right back to it. Taking Bones through the fantasy: the two of them, the wide-open holo-road, and a cherry ’62 Corvette.  
  
_For a while, Jim doesn't think about it. Just enjoys the rushing air over the windshield, the purr of the engine, the curves in the road._  
  
_Then the heavens open up._  
  
_He blinks up into the rain and laughs, delighted. Then he turns to McCoy, expecting him to slow, to stop the car and end the program, to do the smart thing and head out of the rain._  
  
_He has another thing coming._  
  
_Bones is speeding up. Bones is letting them both get soaked in the rain, down to their tighty-whities. Bones is taking the curves with practiced ease, downshifting in and sliding out on a burst of speed. Bones is sending Jim's stomach on a hell of a ride._  
  
_It's fucking awesome._  
  
Jim can feel Bones staring at him, looks up just in time to catch the way his lips twist into that scowl that really should not be as hot as it is, but…  _Fanfiction lips,_  Jim thinks, nodding to himself as he watches the gears click into place in the doc’s head.  
  
“‘Once and future cap…’ Jim, you didn’t…did you…?”  
  
Jim grins. “Hey, I get bored on the bridge sometimes, sue me.”  
  
Bones grabs the PADD, boggles down at it. “So you wrote...this is your…”  
  
“One of many.” Jim stretches his legs out, hands behind his head.  
  
Jim doesn’t get any that night, but he’d accounted for that. It’s a long game he’s playing, and contrary to popular trope, Jim is a patient man. Or, well, he’s capable of exercising patience. When there’s, you know, mind-blowing sex hanging in the balance.  
  
It’s four days and eleven hours later when a message blips in to Jim’s personal comm.  
  
From DocMcSexy:  _I’m off in ten. Holodeck?_  
  
Oh yeah, Jim thinks, changing into his leather jacket and boots and heading for the Holodeck, their stats are gonna go through the  _roof_.

**Author's Note:**

> [Originally posted here along with visuals.](http://canonisrelative.livejournal.com/71491.html)


End file.
